Mga Bakho sa Kasing-kasing

It’s a cold night and I just feel like penning my thoughts. It has been a while since I tried to write a blog. For a typical introvert, even blogging is a threatening idea. I had a bitter sweet argument with my soul mate who lives down south. Why is it that when February comes, we have to bring up the topic of love. I am so fed up with it. We are all loved by someone one way or another. I am filled with people who cares for me, but maybe not in the way my 23 year old hormones wants to be treated. hahaha…anyway, it is a useless chitchat since I will not break down my wall. Yes, I am mind over heart and I want to win this 4 year debate over her. I know she wants me to be happy but I am scared to be elated. I am not cynical over love, I am a hopeless romantic, but a cautious one and I don’t want to end up again bewailing and lamenting just because I kissed the wrong frog. Who doesn’t want to be in love. I am living with a young couple whose love for each other cannot be denied. They enjoy each other’s company and the best thing about it, even the people around them can attest it, it’s not a puppy love where there is holding of hands, exchanging of stolen glimpses, sleepless nights, it’s more of a i need you because I love you relationship. I want to wake up with the man I love and not be scared that tomorrow he might be gone. I want a love that will last. I am dreaming of that day when a man after God’s own heart will sweep me off my feet and free me from all my reservations. But then again I am mind over heart, It will be an utmost challenge, so before that day comes which I am earnestly waiting for…I will suffice myself with present blessings and not be shaken by a duncical thing like love. The best things are still worth the wait. So girl, be still…Happy Love Month Everyone!!!

31 July 2008
23:00

I can not let this evening pass by without pouring my heart out. Lately, I have been consumed by despair and I can not deny it. My recent blogs are reflections of what I have been struggling, though, they were but a mere tip of the iceberg. Life has been ill to me, as I thought it is, but today is different. I felt God touched me in a way that I could not imagine, through Stella, our little bundle of joy. Not only does she makes everyone smile and forget the cares of this world for awhile but she has been used by God to remind me that I am His child and He will carry me through. Even this very instance, I can’t restrain myself to smile and so I decided to share this sweet encounter I had. Well, i was supposed to go on my usual Wednesdays. Pushing myself to wake up as early as possible, and believe me for a night owl such as myself, a morning shift is my worst nightmare. It was pouring hard outside and the cool air is just so enticing. I can not possibly go out of bed, but I did, because of guilt…me and my superego. It was 6:30 am, not an ideal time to wake up for a 7 am duty. To add with, my workplace is a 30 min roller coaster ride away from home. I hurriedly took a bath, got dressed, ate breakfast and prepared my things(My Girl Scout training years back did not payed off and "The Laging Handa" motto was never mine to keep) My supermom prepared "my lunch" for her domestically challenged baby ( a constant reminder that I am still not allowed to get married, and she’s bribing me with that idea).I rushed to the car, forgot my lunch pack and silently uttering a prayer for a miracle that I will not be so late. And there she was, cradled in Kuya Tata’s arms, looking at me, the sound of the engine caught her attention. I called for her and took her in my arms and went off with her in the car. I was so indulge with the idea of having Stella go joy riding with us forgetting the fact that no one will hold her on the way back home. I pleaded for our driver to go back for several times but to no avail. For the whole 20 minute ride, I have to praise Kuya Allan (our driver) for a superb driving, I was pondering on the thought that I will not go on duty. I was so afraid, petrified even in the thought that Stella might fall or they will encounter an accident. I arrived at MMGH at 7:25 am. With big strides, I went to my department. I saw my senior smiling at me from afar at the OR/DR entrance and without hesitation, asked her to allow me to be absent. With so many scheduled operations, I was disappointed not to go on duty but I was devoid of choice. What’s the point of tirelessly volunteering when I will be bereft of knowledge and because of my ignorance for allowing Stella to come with us, I deprived myself of the very thing I was clamoring for. I got back to the car and slept for the whole trip back with Stella sleeping silently on my chest. I slept the whole day away. I felt useless again. Today I was welcomed by a sad news, I found out that something terrible happened, I might have been involved in that horrible situation if I was present yesterday. I felt the uneasiness and stress in my department. The happy feeling I have while going on duty was completely replaced by turmoil. I uttered a silent prayer thanking God for saving me for yesterday’s problem and at the same time praying for my friends and colleagues who were involved. The memory of Stella in my arms kept on reliving itself and I found myself still in awe, realizing that Stella had blessed me..I was touched by an angel.

Tomorrow is mom’s big day and everyone in my my little town is expected to come…well, it has always been like this for 11 years but i still yearn for privacy. I really do not take pleasure in being with people, i am not interested and may be that is also the reason why i have few friends and a hundreds who are terrified of my presence. Loneliness is creeping into my being but i am afraid also to connect. I am so happy that God has led me to socialize with my colleagues and I enjoyed being with them. I do not love OR nursing, my most dreaded experience happened during my OR exposure so I won’t blame myself why It’s so hard for me to appreciate it but maybe He has a reason why of all units in the hospital and I never applied for OR, I was helplessly designated in that area. I am despising but enjoying it…Life is really full of irony…I really wish I can fight for the alternative if it arises…I so hate being ambivalent…just so unstable…

Praise God…I passed my NCLEX exam. After almost a year of struggling, I can finally put a dot on this page in my life. I do not love nursing, to be honest, but God has been helping me with everything regarding nursing so I believe that somehow He has a special plan for me through it. Because of nursing…I gained a lot of friends…those I considered closer than a brother. I lost but found myself and I realized that God really works in mysterious ways especially for those who are always on their knees. I passed my exams not by my own strength but through God’s grace. Without Him, I am nothing…To God be the glory!!!

For the past couple of months, I felt that i was after
futile pursuits, Honestly, I disdain my profession  yet fate is ill to me
and no matter how desperately i try make my dream come true, this so called
"calling" keeps on haunting me. I am not that ambitious, nor power driven, I just
want to do the things i love and be with the people that matters to me. God has
somehow heard my plea. I realized after attending my old friend’s birthday that
i am still so blessed. I don’t have so many friends, but mine are worth keeping.
Although, the party lasted for no longer than  5 hours, each second spent there,
made me remember the time when I was still naive and a dreamer. I felt like I
was 16 again. I must still be alive and hopeful. Regardless of what happened to
me nor what the future might bring, My dream might turn into stone but I know
for certain that I am not alone and with that blessed assurance…I will sleep
happily

Now is 3:40 pm.Finally, after much pushing, i convinced myself to start the day…haha. I am now facing another boring existence. So, here I am, composing my first blog. The weather seems to connive with my slothful spirit. How can a Saturday be so gloomy and with no penny to spend, I am forced to endure this sunlight forsaken day at home….huhu. I missed school so much; to be able to take a stroll through the narrow corridors of SPC and be given the chance to see a lot of college boys especially this cute guy I have been eyeing for a long time, The long wait before you can pay  the tuition,  painstaking enrollments, SPC guards and staff that you wished would just banish and the so friendly librarians and most importantly, the tinkling bell….haha. There are so much things to do, where to start, how to do it…I loathe the fact that I am now a full pledge unemployed.  It drains all my energy just thinking of all the things I should do. Now, IELTS, then CG after NCLEX, then what? With all the Filipino nurses whose primary goal is to live abroad, how to compete with so many. Sino bang nagsabi madaling magabroad?  and I belong to the naive, easily fooled crowd of patriotic nurses…haha…..haayy, buti na lang me kisses dito, keeping me awake and hopeful. I really love chocolates, it’s sweet yet sometimes bitter, as i crave to indulge myself in such sinful pleasure (makataba man gud), it arouses an emotion that is fleeting yet so irresistable…When will I ever feel such an emotion again, I hope, it will be lasting next time. i will patiently wait for that moment of eternal bliss but for now, i have no choice but to welcome every ounce of tedium and monotony. When will this be over?….